Guest Blog by Jenny Busch

A friend of mine once said, “I may not care what other people think of me, but I care a lot about what I think of me.” The comment made me realize I care greatly about what other people think of me, and I obsess negatively about what I think about myself. While I needed to address both, I decided to address my self-thoughts first, as these conversations were immediate and anything but friendly. It was time to get to work.

I assessed that I had a decent level of self-esteem, so where was the rub? Since the 1990s, studies have shown that, as important as good self-esteem is, it usually arrives after success, not before. The rub was self-compassion. I evaluate myself highly (self-esteem), but I treat myself poorly (self-compassion). Ouch. Literally–ouch!

Kristen D. Neff, an Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, developed and validated the construct of self-compassion in 2003. In her research article of that year, she explained the three components of self-compassion: holding balanced awareness, recognizing common humanity, and extending self-kindness. Just like learning any new skill or developing a new habit, I realized each element required that I stop doing what I had always done before. Quit falling back on old patterns. Drop old, entrenched notions. Here is what I discovered as I worked through each component.

First, I was clearly aware of the messages I was sending myself but was I balancing them properly with more helpful, and frankly, realistic thoughts? Absolutely not. I let a negative stream of consciousness build into a river and then a sea of self-criticism, self-doubt, and perfectionism. I would drown in my attachment to incorrect or nonexistent notions, never questioning that I was minimizing reason and exaggerating emotion. Now when I feel the water rising, I ask myself, “what evidence do you have to support what you are thinking? What is fact and what is assumption?” I also remind myself to stop making things up.

Second, I was holding myself to superhuman criteria, and I am not superhuman. I share a common humanity that states we are all in this boat together, imperfect and struggling, rowing through our personal, yet collective, journey. This perception of myself as exceptional, an exception to the rule, aligns with perfectionism and stems from deep pridefulness. A Mental Hygiene Master of mine once asked me incredulously, “Woman, can you not make a mistake?”  I now see these patterns as not-so-merry-go-rounds, and when I feel the twirl starting, I quit the ride and get back to rowing my boat.

Third, I called myself names and promised to “do better next time.” This made my brain feel like I had regained control, but I was actually punishing myself. Punishment and self-recrimination are not motivators; reinforcement is. Self-kindness is being an ally to yourself, wanting the best for yourself. It is not glossing over errors with empty, positive pep talk. It is a reinforcement that builds motivation and encourages you to seek improvement and persist. I dropped the notion that being hard on myself would make me better/faster/stronger/smarter next time.

Did I accomplish all of this quickly and easily? No. Do I struggle with it still? Most certainly. Complex behavioral issues are rarely completely fixed or gone. I simplify these battles by thinking of them as energy. In her article on self-compassion, Christina Chywl puts it this way:

“. . . your words of self-talk are the fuel: you can choose to fill your tank with either criticism or compassion. Both will get you moving, but . . . [compassion] . . . lasts longer and causes less harm to the engine in the end.”

Simply stated, self-compassion is a reverse Golden Rule: Do unto yourself as you would do to others. Extend the same care, warmth, support, and well-wishing you would to a friend who is struggling . . to yourself. You deserve no less.

Jenny Busch
Copywriterjenn
copywriterjenn@gmail.com

Sources and further reading:

Neff, Kristin, D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223–250. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309027 

Leary, M. (2016, June). Don’t Beat Yourself Up. Aeon. Retrieved from https://aeon.co/essays/learning-to-be-kind-to-yourself-has-remarkable-benefits

Chwyl, C. (2021, March). Self-Compassion is not self-indulgence: here’s how to try it. Psyche. Retrieved from https://psyche.co/ideas/self-compassion-is-not-self-indulgence-heres-how-to-try-it 

Schwartz, B. (2022, August). How to be kinder to yourself. Psyche. Retrieved from https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-be-kinder-to-yourself-by-practising-self-compassion