Positive Conflict Resolution Through Curiosity and Understanding

HOW WE APPROACH CONFLICT

Conflict is everywhere and occurs in every aspect of our lives. We argue with loved ones, we have workplace disputes, and we can get angry at strangers in traffic. Generally, people have negative views of conflict and do everything they can to avoid a difficult conversation. Three adjustments to how you approach conflict can greatly impact the quality of your conversations:

First, become aware of how your body process conflict.

Second, change your view of conflict from an inherently negative situation to a learning opportunity.

Third, approach the other person with curiosity and a desire to truly understand their perspective.

If you can work on these three areas, your communication in difficult situations will likely improve.

FIGHT, FLIGHT OR FREEZE

As you well know, people can and do have differences when they interact. When a person believes these perceived differences challenge, threaten or undermine one or more of their values, needs, or an aspect of their identities this conflict triggers a biological reaction in their body. Think about a time when you had an argument or experienced conflict? What was going on in your body? Did you feel a tightness in your chest, burning in your face or nausea in your stomach?

When you experience intense stress and feel like you are under attack your body goes into survival mode. Your amygdala floods with cortisol and adrenaline and you can no longer access the rational side of your brain. This happens to your body whether a grizzly bear is charging at you or your boss is yelling at you. Our survival instincts cause us to see in oppositions and we respond in order to protect ourselves. How do you protect yourself? Do you fight back, flee the situation, or freeze? It is so important to understand how you respond to conflict. If you can identify when you are going into fight, flight or freeze mode you can better manage your own body and response.

When you are in survival mode you cannot access your rational side of your brain, which makes having productive conversations nearly impossible. Your mind’s role is to recognize when you are triggered and try to calm your body so you can think clearly. We are hardwired to survive, but also to connect. People want to feel heard and understood. So how do you calm your body and mind down? Simple things like taking a deep breath, drinking water, or taking a break can make a big difference. You can only control what you say or do. You can wait and plan to have the conversation when your body is regulated, and you are ready to explore the issue at hand.

SO HOW DO YOU START?

Remember that conflict is an opportunity to learn more about the other person and yourself. Think about the conflict. What was the underlying value (honesty, trust, equity, integrity…), need (food, stability, connection, freedom, acceptance, safety…), or aspect of your identity that played a role in your distress? When someone is triggered often they feel a value or need is threatened. It is usually about more than the surface level argument. For example, if your neighbor is complaining about your barking dog, their deeper interest may be the peace and order of their home. Another thing to keep in mind is often people have good intentions, but their actions adversely impact someone else. Even if you had the best of intentions, it doesn’t take away from the impact your actions had on someone else. Be aware that even if you did not intend to hurt someone, your actions could have adversely impacted them. Go into the conversation with an open mind.

Next, approach the person with curiosity and a true desire to understand. Listen, listen, and then listen some more. People have an intense desire to be heard. Instead of assuming why the person is upset, talk to them directly. You could approach the conversations by saying, “I think we have a different perspective about X. I’d like to hear your point of view about what happened.” Or “I have a few questions. I would like to understand how you experienced the situation.” Validate the other person’s emotions and let them know you hear them. When they explain what happened from their perspective, you could say the emotions you hear them express. “I hear you are very frustrated; did I get that right?” Try to empathize with their point of view. Remember, you do not have to agree with them to understand them. There may be things they say that you do not understand, follow up with clarifying questions, like, “Could you tell me more about that or could you give me a specific example of when you felt that way?” Finally, summarize what you hear from them. Repeat the main points of what they said to show them you understood and listened.

When it is your turn, try to focus on how something impacted you and only make statements from your perspective. Clearly identify the thought or feeling that you had, when he or she did something that impacted you. Focus on the action you did not appreciate and not the person. Instead of saying, “You don’t care about anything I say,” try to reframe it without the “you.” Try something like, “I am getting the sense that we are on two different pages.” The more you can say things from your perspective without blame, the less likely the other person will get defensive. You can practice having the conversation with a good friend or your partner before you have the real one or try writing it down beforehand.

PRACTICE!

At first, this will feel awkward and unnatural, but the more you practice the easier it gets. Do not expect to make monumental changes the first time you try, new habits take time to develop. Any one of the three steps will help with your communication. You can make change and communication can improve in most situations. Believe in yourself and the desire of the other person to connect with you and work through your conflict. Good luck and please reach out if you need assistance.

Angie Russo, Partner Attorney
Family Law Mediator and Collaborative Attorney
Planning to Prevent and Collaborating to Resolve Everyday Legal Problems

“Thank you for the opportunity to facilitate the November Coffee & Conversation. I am very passionate about helping people hear and better understand each other when they are in conflict. It is incredibly rewarding to take two people, going through a divorce, that think there is no way for them to have an amicable relationship to a place where they are productively communicating and co-parenting their children. It takes work and developing new habits, but is definitely possible. I always stress progress, not perfection as we all have moments where we digress or say something we wish we could take back. Conflict is normal and the more we acknowledge it, face it, and work through it the better our relationships will become.” -Angie