Intuition, Opportunities, and Choices
Guest Blog by Ash Marshall-O’Dell, Sacred Journey Reiki, LLC
Before becoming more aware of my body and my intution, my life was like the video game “Frogger,” trying to hop across the road through New York traffic during rush hour, with no crosswalks anywhere. I, more often than not, ended up flattened. I didn’t even know what I was searching for on the other side of the road, only that the side I was on wasn’t where I wanted to be.
I kept jumping onto cars, thinking this car or that one was going to take me across the road. I hitched rides on the teacher truck, the artist bus, the mom minivan, the volunteer dump truck, the project manager ambulance, the business analyst station wagon, and the research assistant bike. Each one had its good points - the excitement of a brand new vehicle with its shiny paint job, new car smell, dependable tires, powerful engine, audio system, and the carpool with new people. I tried to stay on my rides, but none of these transports ever quite crossed the road for me, and I invariably slid off, jumped off, or fell off (potholes, speed bumps, and stoplights).
Dissatisfied, searching, annoyed, tired, and a bit lost, I seriously couldn’t figure out what to do with my life, but I kept jumping at chances like I was taught to do - say yes to opportunities.
The one thing that I hadn’t really paid attention to in regards to major decisions was how I actually felt about them; you know, instinct, intuition, gut reactions. Instead, I said yes to so many things that weren’t right for me and invited so many people into my life who were not people with whom I connected in a good way.
I became involved with jobs, projects, and others’ agendas that didn’t mesh well with mine and eventually began to make me physically sick from the stress; as in dropping so much weight my shorts literally slipped off my hips in front of a stage full of peeps. Don’t worry - I caught them before they fell too far. Of course, several people saw the glorious view of my nylon-covered butt and pointedly told me to eat.
That weight-losing, stress-inducing volunteer gig really hit me hard. I said yes to every single project. Summer play set design/build/coordination/mothering, summer art camps creator/organizer/coordinator/teacher, and board president agenda mesherer. Emails, texts, phone calls (talking/negotiating/nagging/begging people were so not my favorite things to do). Plus, working five to eight hours a day for free while being a full-time mom was exhausting.
When I quit, everything all in one fell, no more swoop, they called it pulling an Ashley. I couldn’t even summon enough energy to give a good damn.
Of course, being the sucker for pain and perfectionism that I am, I decided to repeat the stress-me-out pattern just to make sure I had it right, hiring on for a job that had about ten jobs rolled into one. I again became completely stressed out, underpaid, resentful, blaming, and, well, lost. I lost myself, lost sight of my own goals, joys, wants, needs, and desires. I said yes to more and more and even pushed for more and more until it got to the point that I actually dreaded (sick stomach) my phone ringing or that dang text message beep (stomach drop), or that email ping (run away or heave the computer out the window, depending on the day).
I sincerely think scrubbing out toilets with my toothbrush sounded more appealing than my job near the end. Don’t get me wrong, my employer was a really nice person, but the job was an ambulance, careening from one emergency to the next with sirens blaring and lights constantly on. I jumped out of that ambulance and got my toes run over pretty badly for it.
With flattened toes, I limped my way into the fed-up zone, ready to figure out a smarter, better way to approach decisions. I was ready to get out of the stream of never-ending jobs (teacher, administrative assistant, lab supervisor, business analyst, research assistant, and project manager) that didn’t quite fulfill me or left me frenetic and frazzled. I was ready to stop jumping on the yes-ride of projects and volunteer positions based on a list of pros and cons that marginally addressed my needs - social interaction, income, and brain stimulation. Spending my life trying to logically force my way into a decision wasn’t working, but the body pains and obvious cues sure made themselves felt (stress, heart palpitations, sleeplessness, worry, anxiety, and depression).
When I started saying no to things that didn’t feel good, I experienced serious body relief. On the positive side, I began to figure out the world wouldn’t end, people would like me or not, but I would still be just fine.
Exploring what I truly did, like doing and listening to what made me feel good/satisfied/happy, I began to narrow in on how to incorporate those feel-good-in-my-center parts into my life. I tapped into my body feels to guide me and meshed together all the good things that I liked into a job that pays me and makes me happy, excited, and fulfilled. Listening to my feelings and intuition about people led me to wonderful people, and understanding my body wisdom led me to a greater connection to myself and to better and better decisions.
Paying attention to those feelings that I had been ignoring, I began trying to sort out what my gut had been trying to tell me all along. What did those feelings in my core tell me? Tight gut, sick gut, disgusted gut, happy gut, excited gut, relaxed gut.
Hmmm - Thought Food
Plato wrote: “Human behavior flows from three main sources: desire, emotion, and knowledge.”
Growing up, I made many a pros and cons list, laboriously pouring over each side of that dividing line, tallying the pros and cons, valuing each pro and con on a “point system,” and following up with if/then scenarios that made my head ache, and the decision just as hard as when I began because I still felt conflicted about the choice. Feelings and intuition were dismissed, as well as desires, in a lot of my decisions, especially the big-ticket ones - like jobs, house-hunting, and car buying.
I have certainly been taken to task for my inability to succinctly and concretely back up my choices with logical reasons for why I did or did not choose something; often being told, “That makes no sense.”
That type of response italicized, bolded, and highlighted the deep distrust that I had been taught to have for my own “feelings,” and doesn’t that suck because what everyone was actually implying is that I shouldn’t trust myself and my intuition.
Please don’t get me wrong, logic is very valuable, but intuition and feelings are usually just as important as concrete reasons.
My body feelings are amazing deciders of good and bad choices. Listening to my body more and more and discovering the way my body communicated with me from a gut standpoint (intuition), not just my logical mind, but to that truly still place inside myself, I came to a realization. The way forward is so much easier, clearer, and faster, with far fewer regrets when I factor in my intuition.
How does a person/place/thing/situation make me feel? When I think about this person, place, thing . . .
Do I feel disconnected from myself, like my head’s floating?
Does my throat tighten?
Does my chest feel compressed or like I can’t take a deep breath?
Does my core tighten hard?
Does my stomach drop?
Do I get sick to my stomach?
Do my legs and feet want to step back, run away, or not move (deer/headlights freeze)?
If I get a yes to any of those questions, I don’t write it off. More often than not, those feelings about someone or something have proven out. Paying attention to my body: feeling grounded and centered and feeling my body wanting to move toward a person, situation, place, or thing has resulted in wonderful outcomes and decisions that resonate with me.
Of course, beliefs that I didn't even know I had played a role in my intuition as well because if you believe something to be true or false, then this belief affects your intuition. Muscle testing actually further helped me to make even better choices about who, what, when, where, and to what extent because it included all of me in the decision-making process.
Every person has only so much time and energy to give. When you learn to use it more wisely, you discover you have more to actually do the things that truly help you to move forward in life, both personally and professionally.
Getting to know your body and how it communicates with you is life-changing.
If you would like to learn more, please visit sacredjourneyswithash.com.
Ash Marshall-O’Dell
Dynamic Energy Change Facilitator
Sacred Journey Reiki, LLC
sacredjourneyswithash@gmail.com